Thank you for your time today, Keziah! I find your journey, even those small bits and pieces I know, very interesting and inspiring. I look forward to you sharing your story with us. Please tell us about yourself - who is Keziah?
Okay, who am I? So, I am a mom of five, and I was married for 11 years. Basically, my story is that I was interested in spirituality from a young age. I ended up joining a yoga spiritual group when I was 20, and then I got so into the religious part of it that I ended up marrying and having a family deep in this religion.
Now, I'm on the other side, 12 years later. I still have lots of questions about spirituality and life that haven't been answered while being in that community. So now, I'm at the stage where I’m taking control of my own spirituality, branching out, expanding my consciousness, and exploring all the things that I didn’t get to explore, while still navigating all the responsibilities I have as a mom.
This sounds intriguing! We will definitely get back to spirituality later on. Before that, could you tell us where you're from and how your background shaped you?
I'm from South Africa, and I'm half Indian. When I was a kid, I was really open and a bit naive. However, since moving here as a child with my mom, the experience of living in a different country and culture, along with having to do a lot of things without much family support, developed my maturity from a young age.
What is your biggest strength?
My strength, I think, would be depending on myself - learning not to rely on other people. In some ways, it's a strength, but on the other hand, it’s quite isolating. So now, I’m trying to keep my heart open to everyone and be able to connect.
What is your biggest weakness?
I used to be quite scared of a lot of things, which closed me off from experiencing life. And that’s probably why I ended up in a religion.
What were you scared of?
I guess doing the wrong thing, being abandoned, things like that… Life going badly. And that kept me small, not wanting to explore. Now, after having kids and spending so many years in a religion, I’m just like, “Okay, I’m ready to experience everything.” So, it was the fear of breaking out of that, the fear of the unknown.
I know you recently separated from your ex-husband. Would you mind sharing with us the challenges of raising kids in this new setting?
I think what a lot of people don’t really understand is that when you're trying to reclaim your independence, dealing with someone else can be very challenging, as they kind of stop reacting. And it’s quite a negative experience. You are trying to be okay for the kids, but then having someone constantly almost attacking you from different angles - it’s quite complicated. So, you're getting into a sort of roller coaster, not knowing if they're going to be kind or try to sabotage you because they’re upset.
So, I’m actually at the stage now where I’ve kind of submitted a bit, just to keep the truce, because I think I’ve reached this point where I value my peace and the overall peace of the situation. I’m trying not to aggravate that. I’ve taken that route, and I think a lot of women have to do that. It’s like you submit, but you’re actually taking the higher road because you're valuing the peace.
Leaving a husband, a father of your kids, is a huge decision. Could you tell us more about your relationship and what led you to this step?
I think for me, my needs were always put last - by myself and also by my ex-partner. Therefore, my happiness became sort of invalid. So even when I did stand up for myself, it was met with a lot of resistance, like, “You are a mom, why would you do this now?”
Then I had to enter into this new phase where I really, really fought for myself, for my opinions, for my dreams, and for my happiness. And while it was a very challenging thing to do, it kind of worked. Yet, when you finally stand up for yourself and put your foot down, you still feel like, “Oh, am I doing the right thing by my kids?” But I think I've reached the point where I understand how the mother needs to be happy. And that happiness will overflow into the children naturally. Because if you're so unhappy, and you're just masking it, it’s going to affect them. At some stage, it’s going to come up.
It's a very brave and wise decision. Getting back to spirituality, could you share with us a bit more about your spiritual journey?
I think, looking back, I really wanted to marry a spiritual man who was very strong in his spiritual practice. I thought I needed that so that I could do my own practice while being under a man's protection. I joined the community for the same reason - to be protected by a spiritual community where everybody's doing the practice.
My friends at the time and my ex-partner were not spiritual. I was really craving friends who would share my call. So, I kind of just jumped straight into this opportunity of being in a spiritual community, which is pretty crazy because I was raised in a different religion, Christianity. My mom was such an intense fanatic that I wanted out of there. And then, I ended up jumping straight into a different, more Eastern, yoga-based philosophy, which is pretty much the same thing - a religious community. I think I went into it to feel that protection because I didn't have the maturity or confidence in myself yet. Now, after so many years of being in it, I feel like I could do my own practice. I don’t actually need to be in a group.
There was another thing I didn’t feel aligned with: how it’s so separating. If we were thinking that this specific holy man is the person who came to enlighten us… but then there are others who are all coming to share spiritual knowledge, and I want to be open to it. We all are on our unique spiritual path, deepening our spirituality and expanding consciousness. I think I am at this point where I don't like being in one group where you're kind of preaching, “it’s us and them, and they’re lower”. No, it’s different flavours, but the same thing. So I think I’ve reached the point where I’m not so inclined to being in the community. I love the practices and the philosophy, but I don’t feel the need to be in the group.
What is the most important lesson that you’ve learned so far in your life?
I think, at this point, it's just learning to keep your heart open, no matter what you've gone through, who’s hurt you, or what’s going on. I try to live my entire life -not naively - but keeping my heart open to connection because you just never know who you’re going to meet and who that person is for you on your journey, or who you are for them.
And I think it’s also about being present. I was so much in fear mode that it was hard to stay present, also due to a religious sort of fear. It’s like, “Don’t go there. Don’t hang out with those people. Don’t listen to them because their philosophy is not right.” It’s just so limiting in terms of how you can connect with different people in such an environment.
So, I don’t know how to word that, but it’s about keeping your heart open throughout life and being interconnected throughout life. You can connect with so many people everywhere, regardless of where they come from, their language, and so on.
Love it. What is happiness to you?
I think for me now, after saying all that, it is connection.
When you're feeling down, how do you bounce back? How do you recharge?
For me, I really go into it. I go into the melancholy feeling. I feel it deeply, and then the storm clears, and I have a new perspective. I don’t even try to make it go away. I just go into it, feel the feelings, and allow that wave to pass through me. Then, when I come back, I have a new perspective on what I thought, and I actually start to understand things deeper. It’s almost like that melancholic feeling clears the way for that introspection to go deeper. I’m not avoiding it.
It’s beautiful. If you were to meet your younger self right now, what piece of advice would you give her?
Just to love yourself, accept yourself, don’t compare yourself so much, and try to be compassionate with yourself. We’re all learning in this human experience, and there are going to be mistakes.
Perhaps you have a piece of advice for yourself today?
I think my advice to myself today is to try to be present.
What are your main goals for the year ahead?
I’m just working on my healing - physical, mental, emotional - everything. I’m trying to go deeper into healing.
What do you look forward to most in the near future?
Traveling. I do want to go to New York, Egypt, and Peru.
Exciting! Okay, last question. Do you have a motto or a quote that inspires you?
I think my overall experience can be summed up by saying, “God is love,” and that we should keep our hearts open, both to connect with God and each other.
That's beautiful. Thank you so much.
